I have spent years figuring out how to effectively and repeatedly start vegetables from seeds. I am no expert… yet… but, I have made great strides. I even have some artichokes growing in the garage on the new shelves I installed with the new grow lights that I installed. I am hoping to get at least a couple of artichokes this year. That, unfortunately, is not the topic of this rant. We had horrible luck with brassicas last year. In fact, I don’t believe we harvested a single brassica that we planted. The bugs were horrendous. I guess the only ones we planted were broccoli and brussels sprouts… a lot of brussels sprouts it seemed at the time. They were all going beautifully, until one morning.

I once again happily made my trek to the garden to look at the growing plants. Here are the myriad of jalapeno plants looking tremendous. I’ll have to put some stakes for them soon. Oh, look! The tomatoes are growing by several inches each day. Tiffany will be out here to tie them to their trellises later, hopefully. Cucumbers are snaking up the livestock panel beautifully. Wow! that ginger root that I planted at random is doing really well. Wait… why are the brussels sprouts yellow and black? Where did the broccoli flower-head go?

I do not believe it would be an exaggeration to say that there were over a thousand worms (cabbage worms, essentially) eating all of the plants. Every time I got them off (killed), I would end up with fewer and fewer plants, until there were none. Not a single sprout. Not even a good broccoli spear to eat with some cheese.

This year would be different. In fact, 2026 would be the YEAR OF THE BRASSICAS. Broccoli and Brussels Sprouts (capitalized this time)? Why stop there? Let’s add a couple varieties of Kale. We are out of sauerkraut, so let’s grow a bunch of cabbage! Why stop at green cabbage? Let’s grow purple, too! Let’s experiment with things we’ve never eaten: Kohlrabi.

Yes. I mixed soils together in what I thought was the perfect fashion. I added some fertilizer so I didn’t have to jump through hoops after the seeds germinated and grew their first real leaves. I had plants in every single cell. Some of my seeds were old, so I over seeded the cells. To my surprise, they virtually all came up. There must have been over 300 plants of the aforementioned species. It was going to be glorious. I have plans to make covers for the raised beds that would include cloths that would keep the moths out. Furthermore, we could throw shade cloth over these beds and extend their growing season. What could go wrong? Certainly nothing while they were under tight controls in the garage, right?

When Tiffany told me that she had found a bunch of turds in the study of the rodentia kind, my thought was simply that we need to take care of that. She had found some evidence of mice in the previous years, but it was brief and seemed almost an accident. Sort of a mouse that came in, crapped itself over the concerns that it shouldn’t be here, and then left. Nothing ate the poison I put out in the Harry Potter Closet under the Stairs. Then the mouse hurt me. It became serious. It was eating my seedlings. It was particularly fond of broccoli and kale, as one can see in the picture. Very few broccoli ultimately have survived the onslaught of what had to be a large family of rodents feasting on my labor every night. It had to be something straight out of Ratatouille, right?

I once again put out poison. The same poison that the Norway rats went crazy for in California. I put it in a small box to make it seem even more enticing. They didn’t eat it on the ground, so I moved it onto the shelf RIGHT NEXT TO THE SEED TRAYS. Never ate it. Every day, more plants were sacrificed to this horde of vermin. Finally, I made the decision to go the shop, break out the tools and lumber and… go online to Wal-Mart and order mouse traps that were in stock. Yes, by this time I had seen a mouse. It was probably a ringleader of the army that was infesting the garage. I picked up my order in the parking lot while the Jeopardy music was playing in my head and returned to the house armed with not just one but FOUR traps. Ok. That was an accident, I just wanted two. Whatever. I filled the bait sections with delectable peanut butter, set one trap on the shelf, and the other on the floor. Before bed, nothing had been disturbed…

The next morning, I descended the stairs to do chores, and witness the carnage that most certainly happened overnight. As the LED lights blazed, I saw the results of my endeavors: one mouse in a trap on the floor. Idiot… Obviously not one of the rodents from NIMH. He was unceremoniously deposit outside for the birds, and the trap was reset.

Um… I have lost no other seedlings. I have also not trapped any more rodents, nor have the traps been triggered at all. I will therefore assume that the rest of the horde have determined that they could not withstand the onslaught of my cunning and prowess, and have subsequently tucked their practically hairless tails between their legs and scampered off. They further warned their rat brethren at the door that it was not advisable to enter. Yup. I took care of the whole army. Now my three broccoli and I will continue our spring planting…